What is it asking for?
There is a sense of hollowness and heaviness in my chest every time I think of my Baby Bro. A melancholiness with tears welding up. It has been several years since his passing from a tragic accident after receiving allergy shots at a clinic in Austin, TX. To date, the incident is incomprehensible, and the emptiness can only be felt in my heart. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/04/arts/video-games/monty-oum-web-series-animator-dies-at-33.html?_r=1
He and his newly wed wife found each other through shared interest at an anime convention. Her sudden loss of a soulmate to a new home in the US catapulted her into worries about her practical future needs- finance and visa status in the midst of the beeps, wires, and tube of the monitoring systems. An aspect that was indigestible and was not in my forefront at that moment.
For the part of the RoosterTeeth’s Executives and staff— a loss of a friend, colleague, and the direction of the company’s production of #RWBY which he helped create was another layer, I understood but couldn't feel it.
He was Monty Oum to them. He is Reaky to me and the rest of our family.
Mony Reak was the last of seven children. Our lefty, creative, gentle soul, with a constant snotty nose, was born with allergies. Gentle, always wanting to pet any stray animals coming to our house begging for food. My special connection to him was that I am his eldest sister. Given our parents were often away working or taking classes to get integrated, I was mainly responsible for his well being during his early childhood. Onto adulthood, he often turned to me for advices and $$ for his projects. He skyped with me while I was living in Singapore to introduce me to his newly wed wife in spring 2014 which I kept secret for him until he could tell other family members directly; he never had that opportunity to. Our relationship is sweet and unique.
Another decision to grapple with from the tragedy was not to tell our Poppa due to his fragile mental state taken by Parkinson Disease. Over those years, Reaky was living in different parts of the US trying to put his creations in the forefront, so Poppa was always asking of his well being. We siblings decided not to inform him and had to lie that he was recovering. It felt so wrong, but the severity of Reaky’s situation never crossed our minds. I had hoped that he would pull out, but Reaky passed away on Momma’s birthday.
Stepping back, when I arrived a few days after I was informed of his collapse, a couple of his friends/colleagues approached me to brace myself before entering the ER room. Reaky was plugged in and wired up from all directions- numerous tubes and wires connected to various monitors. The image etched deeply in me. Physically tired from the flight and anticipation, I was put into another level of mental and emotional state of shock. I wanted to be alone with him, but it was not possible. Besides the medical staff, there were his colleagues, friends, and his wife who stood in vigilante for any sign.
Being with the beeps and dreadful sterile frigid cold environment was draining. Now and then, I would step out into the waiting room to catch a breath, witnessing weeping and other worrisome faces awaiting news of their loved ones in the ER as well. Various people came and went over the days, some with shock, some with teary eyes, huddling in arms, some in prayers. Witnessing all those happenings— coming and going, I was without any tears in my eyes.
I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t.
I found myself doing Uthanasana as there was no place to lay down. When Uthanasana was not strong enough for a respite from the situation, there was the handstand at the corner of the ER waiting room.
Yes, there were on-lookers and some mumblings. I knew the signals from my body of its needs. Yoga asana was the only venue I could put my body into to take my mind away from the dire situation, not just from my brother’s, but others in the ER. The power of #handstand, flipping my world upside down, took me into being present of having to hold myself up inverted for those 5-10 breaths. Feeling the weight against the cold hard floor in my palms and the subtle teetering from breathing recalibrated my sense of aliveness and got the blood circulating, bringing warmth into my body after hours in the frigid building. I could feel myself breathing again and the warmth on my face. Being in handstand allowed me to be with me, renewed to re-emerge with a lucid mind to communicate and deal with the dizzying medical information and decisions.
What was that "powerful" asana that connected you to YOU when feeling the need for it?
The brain may second guess or come up with reasons, but the body tells you. Committing to practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis, I have learned to listen for the subtle, and not so subtle messages, to understand what my body needs. There is no right or wrong when my body asks for a child pose or a stronger asana. May it be at a yoga studio, in the ER waiting room, or at the airport boarding gate, be with what your body needs.